Thoughts Whilst On Hold…

I’m genuinely on hold with npower to query a surprise bill I discovered yesterday. Oh the joys of adulthood…but the powerful ballads, piano solos and bongos are keeping me sane for now.

So I haven’t written a blog post recently, as you can tell, but I have been writing for myself. Though I’m genuinely on hold with npower, I do somewhat feel my life is also on hold. After a sort of half diagnosis I’m suffering from anxiety and possibly depression from the doctors last week, I finally feel like I’m getting somewhere, yet nowhere, at the same time.

I need to head off for a 24 hour ECG soon to double-check my heart, which is in five weeks time. So it pretty much feels like I’m here on hold, waiting for my life to kick-start and most importantly, waiting to get better.

I think the worst part is my family are finding my behavioural differences frustrating, and I am too! It’s odd, it seems one day I’m completely able to have a full relaxing positive day where I feel nothing can go wrong. But one day I’ll get up and things will just begin crumbling in my direction, I’ll begin to stress out, cry, wail, weep, panic, have chest pains and palpitations and eventually fall asleep – and those days are exactly why neither me or my family can cope!

However, I am off to uni again in a couple of weeks! So hopefully the stresses at home and my annoyance to my family will disappear. The thing with anxiety is that it’s a constant fear of the unknown. Some of my worries are that my uni family will feel the same as my family at home regarding my behaviour. I don’t know how they will cope either. But again, I’m sat here slowly waiting for when that day will come and what it will be like.

Overall, this post is about anxiety. I guess that is what suffering from severe anxiety is like, and the best way to describe it, would be that life is on hold. Everything seems to stop, and you’re waiting for all those bowling balls life still have yet to throw at you and you’re worried for what will happen because of it.

Everything seems to be waiting on next week, when I finally move back to uni, take my third driving test, have all this npower switch over sorted and organised. Then life will hopefully commence for me.

I’ve been writing all my worries in a notebook recently too – hence why I mentioned writing for myself! It’s a great way to organise anxiety. I get to look at my list of worries and go “hey, come on, pull yourself together, sort it out.” or “what the hell are you worrying about that for? like seriously it’s not worth the tears.” so it’s another way I can kind of feel like things are working out and going forward. It’s a shame my list just builds up every day! But then again, things also get crossed off. Like they say, tomorrow is a new day.

Though I’m currently stuck in a sort of limbo, there’s nothing like thinking on the positives, putting a face mask on, watching a Disney film and eating so much chocolate you explode to help you get through it slowly but surely.

Keep hoping,

Whim xoxo

 

 

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