Officially Official

15th October, 2014. This was the day I was told “All these tests in the past few months show us you’re fit and healthy. You’ve actually been suffering from anxiety attacks.” That’s right. Wednesday was the day I was officially told, I suffer from anxiety and panic disorder.

I’ve been pondering over it for months as you all may have read. This past year for me has been a roller-coaster. One that a 19-year-old shouldn’t have even got on. But all the events that left me on the road to nowhere happened, and I can never take that away.

I’ve been a constant worrier for years, and my peers would tell me most days (to my ignorance!) This year, I have been tipped over the edge, and finally its triggered me to suffer from anxiety attacks.

It’s a tough thing to go over. One minute you’re fit and healthy, without a care in the world. Next minute, you’re lay in bed thinking you’re fighting for your life because you’re in floods of tears and can’t breathe. Then you’re thinking, how and why has this happened to me?

At the beginning I was scared. My first anxiety attack, I was on the beach whilst on holiday without a care in the world. Apart from pondering over the mishaps of the previous weeks…so I did actually have maybe a few cares in the world. Ok I was having a super tough time and most days felt quite upset and fed up. Unsurprisingly…but having the attack for the first time was the most scary thing. I assumed it was the end. That’s it. I’m having a heart attack and I’m going to die on this beach. Because that’s what it feels like. It feels as if this is your last day, it’s finally the end, your heart is about to have an attack and fail on you, and there is no way to stop it. Only, this isn’t happening at all. And though you may not believe it, you’re under no harm.

Luckily my mum is a nurse and reassured me with: “You’re not dying, if you were dying you would smell like you were dying.” I still thought I was dying.

When you don’t know what’s wrong with you and why things are happening to you, that’s the scariest bit. I was lucky, with my mum as a nurse she told me straight away that her thought was that I was suffering major anxiety, due to the issues that had darkened my days in the previous weeks prior our family holiday.

And that was it. On that day, onwards, I began suffering anxiety attacks. The anxiety came before that, and built up to that major moment in my life where I felt my world crumbling around me. But now I’m certain they are anxiety attacks, I have some reassurance.

Though I feel like I’m about to collapse, have a heart attack and die, there’s actually nothing wrong with my heart, or body, and I’ll be fine. I just need to learn to relax, control and not worry. Easier said than done…

The next few steps for me are beta-blockers and some more tests to be 100%.

All I can say is, it could have been worse. It’s scary, there’s still a long road ahead of me. But it’s not the road to nowhere. It’s a road to a better state of mind.

Don’t worry, be happy,

Whim xoxo

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