Waiting

2017 me: Some previous thoughts whilst in a doctor’s waiting room, an internal monologue of my feelings in the exact moment I waited for my appointment that followed up my diagnosis appointment:

One thing an anxiety attack is usually triggered by for most people is waiting rooms. Sadly, when you suffer from anxiety and anxiety attacks, it’s hard to avoid the doctors waiting room.

I keep picking and biting my nails, waiting for it to come on. Nothing. I guess being prepared for it makes it a bit more bearable.

This has become my normal life. Doctors, waiting rooms, randomly not being able to breathe properly and crying in public. That shouldn’t be normality, but it is, and not even just for me. Because I know how it feels, it makes it more upsetting to know other people suffer with it too. I’ve even heard of stories, where doctors don’t really help. But hopefully mine will help.

I’m disgustingly nervous, I don’t like tablets at the best of times but this is terrifying. I have to be on tablets in order to control my own body. I have lost control of myself. That in itself is terrifying. Let alone flipping waiting here.

Ok now I’m starting to get the pains.

I don’t want to live waiting anymore. But at the same time, I don’t want to have to wait to get better, because quite frankly, it’s terrifying.

What if I have to have therapy? Can you imagine? What would people think? I have to have therapy and tablets to be me again.

When and how did this all happen? Well I know…but why did it have to happen?

I wouldn’t wish this burden on anyone else, it’s a horrible burden to suffer.
Letting something else control you, and letting it get into the way of your life, that’s one of the biggest burdens I could imagine. Living in pain, physically and mentally, without controlling it and what it does to your life. Yep. That’s hard. And I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Here we go, time to go in…wish me luck…

Whim xoxo

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