As I sit with music on my laptop, waiting for my younger sister to fall asleep (we share a room together!) FourFiveSeconds came on. Now, I’m not going all musicy with this post. I won’t voice my music opinions here. But this quote fascinated me. I just had to write about it.
It’s true. A while ago now, I used to be a girl who would openly discuss my feelings on a strong level. If someone was mean or inappropriate I would tell them, and I had no shame in that. At certain times, I still need to reach that person inside me to save me in the situation I’m in. Sometimes, there are time’s I feel like I would love to be like that. But my anxiety has changed me. I feel like I can’t be that person anymore, because I worry about how kind I’m being towards that person in voicing my opinions.
I regard the feelings of others above mine. Too much as my counsellor says. I guess it could be that when I was younger I did regard my happiness as something more important, or I was just horrid! But I slowly became more aware of certain consequences in having my own happiness – which made me more aware of how kind I was being towards people in the sense of allowing myself to become hurt in the process. Because ultimately, those consequences were merely people who were not prepared to let me have my happiness, who were always in the right and were intolerant to the opinions and feelings of others. I was just very blind to that, and in some ways I still can be.
There have been times in my life, where I have killed people with kindness, some would say. That’s when, although you’ve been terribly hurt by that person, feel some sort of annoyance over something, instead of addressing those problems, you continue to be kind. Really, really kind.
I’ve tried having a smile and being kind more often than addressing how I feel, because I feel as though I will be judged for how I feel. This is mainly towards friends of mine, where I feel as though saying how I feel could tarnish the relationship I have with them. So I continue to be kind without sparing my feelings much thought. In turn, this has in fact killed me.
Maybe standing up for myself more often would be better than not standing up for myself at all, because My kindness has often now resulted in me being walked all over. But although appearing weaker, it makes me strong. It makes me strong knowing I’ve done my best in being as nice as I can regardless of what that other person has done to me. But I should still, at many points, stand up when it gets too much. Or attempt a healthy mix of the two.
It seems this act of kindness during my times of anxiety where I want to avoid conflict, does make me appear weaker to others, as I notice being walked over more often.
I’m here to say, kindness shouldn’t be taken for weakness. We should respect the kindness of others, and return it. Never take advantage of that kindness.
And as a message for myself, and to others who feel like this, stand up more often. Your feelings are valid, and should be spoken and protected. But remember to make those efforts to still be kind. If you’re being taken for granted with your kindness, it is the other person who disrespected that kindness. It isn’t you who needs to be wary or needs to change.
Be kind, and have courage.