The idea of this post came upon walking to my friend Athena’s house yesterday, after a long few hours spent crying into the stuffed gorilla in my bed.
You see, I feel like a fraud. Because the one thing I love doing is doing my best to help others with what I know, when there are still times I have my downs and can’t pick myself up. It makes me think, what kind of help in hand am I if I’m not even able to help myself?
But let’s be honest. We are the most difficult people to help. Ourselves. When we tell someone else things that will help them through thoughts and situations, we know we are helping because we are being there for them. But along the way, we all need to stop relying on those people. What happens if they are not there any more? This is where we need to be able to have the ability to help ourselves too.
Because like my journey with anxiety, no doctor, nor counsellor, nor friend nor any other person will ever help us solely. They help us get onto the path of helping ourselves.
Some days, I’m great at it. My anxiety has been better, but it’s been good and stable, even whilst enduring exams. But yesterday for me was especially anxious, and I found I’d been struggling to find happiness in things that usually make me happy. That mere emotionless feeling yesterday of feeling like nothing was making me happy, and then the dark thoughts came crashing down – I mixed into a pile of panicked sludge that just silently wept into a gorilla. Lights off, door locked.
And it’s those moments I feel like I’m failing. Because I was on a good streak, and now I’m going down. I was getting frustrated in myself, trying to do work I’m supposed to be doing, trying to blog to make me smile, trying to colour in, trying to book exercise classes (which, I ultimately forgot about until only now…Sorry Aerobics class…) anything to make me feel a bit perked up. Nothing worked.
I eventually settled into my boyfriend talking to me about this feeling. And he said something really important, that I tend to forget when I have my down days. Rarely now, but often so in this exam period. “Tomorrow is a new day.” he said.
Then, after I stopped crying, I went over to Athena’s and took out my sadness in some much needed rocky road baking. And then she said “Sometimes, there are no reasons to be sad, and everyone has sad days.”
Tomorrow is a new day. Everyone has a sad day. Those things I keep forgetting, when I randomly get sad either over something little or nothing at all, and feel like a cry. When I feel all round negative about things and life, I wind up feeling like that feeling is never going to go away. And that’s the issue. We do feel like that! Because we do forget in those moments, tomorrow is a new day, everyone can get sad sometimes, but it isn’t forever.
So, next time, if you’re like me, crying into a stuffed toy over what seems to be everything when really it’s nothing at all, remember it’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be sad. You’re allowed. Everyone has a sad day, tomorrow is a new day.
And even though I feel like a fraud for not being able to help myself 24/7 when I want to be helping others, I forget that I’m only human. And that everyone else probably feels the same.
At least, we are all always there for each other to pick each other up when we need it, especially on the days when you can’t pick yourself up from the ground. And in the moments you can’t, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. It’s just a bad day. Someone is always there, and though it’s hard to notice in the moment, the smile will come back sooner or later. Tomorrow is a new day.
Today, I had smiles. 🙂
I hope you all keep smiling too, exams are all nearly over, we can do this!
Lots of hugs,