Over the dinner table I cried over the fact my Mum mentioned me and my Dad were so similar personality wise. I’d rather not be. The main aspect of my personality she has noted on and many others have is my habit to self pity.
We all have flaws. Nobody is perfect, granted. And everyone can write good and bad things about themselves in long lists and we would all be here forever – because we are complex, and so sometimes good things can be bad, bad can be good, and so forth and so on. But the one thing we all have is ethics. We can all decide when those traits should be controlled and shouldn’t, when they should shine and when we should try to suppress them. We know what is good and bad. If we can at least assess ourselves, we can at least try to make ourselves better. Or we can at least accept when these bad traits of ours come out and should be controlled. Right? Makes no sense? Ok, I’ll give explaining another go.
Basically, I know I have this ‘poor me’ trait which I personally hate when I see it in others. I know it can be bad and used rather badly. I know, that I don’t want to be like that and I want to improve it. So where do I start? I want to reform, where do I go? Well, personally I went to Google. Yes, I’m one of those that asks Google questions!
I made a search and looked up ‘How to get rid of self pity’ and I came across Oprah along side some Deepak Chopra advice, which was actually extremely sane.
A lot of feelings and traits we have, are actually linked to other things. For example, jealousy and envy is commonly due to low self-esteem. Self-pity is due to failing to move forward, and wanting support. But the issue is, I need support. Major support. But I don’t want to rely on people, because that would make the other person feel quite grim and hey – why don’t I work on myself and learn how to properly support myself?
I’ve had a lot of this with my anxiety. The only way I got my anxiety to where it is now is by trialling different methods to improve my mental state without having to rely on others. Because lets face it, we can only ever guarantee that we will always be here for as long as we live. Who knows what life brings us!
So it’s time to trial different methods of making myself stronger to support myself, and not require the trait to self-pity and to ultimately reform and be a better person.
Too much thought? Probably, but hey, being a better person towards others is what would make me happier. Even if it means changing myself, this is changing myself for the better. The people I love have accepted me so far, so it’s time to do myself a favour and try to go back on what my Mother said. Not just for that, but to overall be a little bouncier when I’m next feeling kicked to the floor. Of course, a shoulder to cry on is wonderful and well appreciated, but if I (everyone else too) had an imaginary self-supporting trampoline, we could be able to support ourselves when we are down. Maybe even send our sadness off in the beak of a magical owl – and shoot towards happiness ALL WITH OUR OWN STRENGTH! And here is where the journey begins.
Why do we self pity? Is the first question. Maybe attention, someone to share your point of view with etc. It’s different depending on the person but lots of feelings can connect to it. But ask yourself why beyond those points too. Good ol’ Deepak recommends list making the things and then listing how you’ll overcome those little steps. For example, on my walls I have….
“Being Enough.” – Because maybe my self pity is to do with feeling like I want to be told I’m doing ok and that I’m doing enough, when I have self-doubt. But will their acceptance make a difference to that? No! So…How will I achieve feeling like I’m enough?
“Try and out do yourself, and go the extra mile for others. Show lovely people they are lovely more often. Just try your best.”
So far, the method is great! My list is building up, I’ll show you the final list in the end. But even just starting the list I found myself being self aware of how much effort I was really making. How I could go the extra mile for those around me that day. That alone makes me feel like I’m making improvements and reforming myself.
None of us are perfect, but if we can accept our flaws we can work towards combating them and be the best version of ourselves we can be! The first step is accepting the problem, the second is fighting it!
I can imagine this technique would be great for so many other things too, such as depression or any form of anger or sadness – write a list of all the reasons to why you feel that way/do the things you do, and how you can fight that. What makes you feel self-conscious? And, what can you do to stop feelings self-conscious?