You know things have gone wrong when the only moments you can truly cry, are alone, on the 5am bus back home. These are the only moments I can truly look into myself and realise I’m entirely deprived of privacy, and I can look into how I really feel. I replay all the moments I ever cried, as much as I’m crying now. All those times I ever had to say goodbye. All the times I have ever been hurt. And then just as those thoughts get deeper and I can finally sink into my inner pain to resolve what the hell is going on I’m interrupted by a group of four drunk girls, smelling of bakery food, gossiping. And then my privacy ends. I don’t know when I’ll get it again. Usually in the moments I stay up til 2am when my room-mates are officially asleep and unable to hear my sniffles or weeps. If not then, then in the shower while I Feel Fine by The Beatles blares and my tears can mingle with the sulphur drizzled water. My most prized possessions are my health and happiness. And apart from those, when they are on the low side, my prized possessions are my smoke and mirrors. Without them, people would be able to see deep into the core of my unhappiness. People might worry.
The stupid part is that I know they are already worried, it’s just I know if they knew the extent of my feelings that they would be even more worried. To be in a situation where you need a constant emotional escape, and to have no where to do that apart from in the extremely lucky moments of the night is a shame. It’s a shame towards my sleeping pattern, granted. It’s a shame further towards my well being because I’m only getting worse. Although, when I do talk about my problems to others, I all of a sudden grow numb. It’s only really while I’m alone that I find myself struggling to hold back the tears.
Annoyingly, there are even strangely times I wish I could express my emotions in front of others. It used to be such an easy task. But my body has just gotten so used to yearning for privacy when I need to cry and express those emotions in such a way, that it has become nature to only expose my raw emotions when I have the world around my and my head to myself. I’m finding being alone a beautiful sanctuary regardless of it’s negatives currently, these moments are just so hard to grasp in a time when I need them the most.