#1in4

You know life sometimes is like a video game,

Each day comes as a new level, nothing is the same.

Aside from a secret underwater kingdom portal,

A chance anyone could take in a bid to be normal.

And I know where it is, I try getting through every time,

To try something new, I just want to see the excitement that’s behind.

But it doesn’t always last.

There’s something in my mind,

And it causes me to glitch,

And I’m not one of a kind.

I press X 61 times,

hoping for resolve,

Wild Dog mode comes on and my brain doesn’t do as it’s told.

To the point where I shout and tear everything apart,

Shit songs pour out my ears and I’m sent far away from the start.

The screen turns black.

I’m in curled in the corner and I’m crying,

Watching the countdown screen,

And here come the options to sort out my wiring.

Press circle they say to go off and cower,

Search for one way tickets to Canada for an hour.

Press triangle they say to go right off the mark,

Go out with no phone all alone in the dark.

Press square to cry until you can barely breathe,

So much you drift off into a sleep hoping when you wake the thoughts leave.

Press X to teleport to NHS tower,

Go see the wizard for potions for a happy hour.

Press UP and travel to mindful mountain,

And a parrot over 10 weeks will stop you from doubting.

Press R2 to talk to a friend,

Then constantly worry you’ll drive them round the bend.

Press R1 to commence battle with your twin,

About all the mistakes you’ve made only to never win.

And the final option,

Is to press nothing at all,

Countdown goes to zero,

Watch as the black screen falls,

And then you realise you can’t just press pause.

I’ve tried every option,

I even let the countdown get to 3,

Before things got in the way and I internally screamed what was the matter with me.

And everyone always says never wear your heart on your sleeve,

Because when you do they’ll take advantage of you,

They’ll grab your throat the second you’ll close your eyes just to sneeze.

Please tell me what’s so bad about being free,

To say how you feel if any of you have ever felt like me.

Anxiety depression and panic disorder,

When are we going to discover a new outlook is in order?

And I’m not just talking about guessing games when your heart is involved,

I mean when your life is on the line and nobody has been told.

I call bullshit and it makes me angry,

When somebody doesn’t show they cry because it looks more “manly”.

They say it costs us our identity and our pride,

If we ever bother to show what we have inside.

Well I say just take mine, and serve it up hot,

I’ll say exactly how I feel when I feel if it means I’m here, and that’s all that I’ve got.

One day I hope society can see the bravery,

Behind breaking free from emotional slavery.

I hope when someone says they are looking for a “man”,

The answer always is if that means I’m open and honest then I am.

So here is to being one of the 1 in 4,

And hoping that next time they tell you suicide is the number one killer of young men,

That it’s only to say there’s been a change in the score.

Saving our lives is more important than our prides.

Last thing we need is another death to suicide,

The more we talk about it the more we stop letting it slide.

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Stay Smiling

This is the first, of what is soon to hopefully be, the first of many podcasts in link with the posts I write on my blog. Think of this as a kind of draft/pilot before the real seriousness begins. I’ll give you all some extra information in the next few days, but enjoy the first one, and have a very Happy New Year! – Nat xoxo

Mum said to me this week, “You’re the one that never plans anything, you never want to have expectations and this is how you wanted to live your life, what has changed?”

As a rare hobby, I have fortune telling cards. I tell the fortunes of my friends using cards, though In my beliefs tell me it’s something more psychological than real, maybe in the eyes of others something more believable.

It’s been some time since I’ve told my own fortune, and today was the first time I’d done it in some weeks. My main card was a snake. They say the snake, if speaking about you which is what the central card does, is it demands wisdom. It explicitly suggests, in relation to the other cards I pulled out, that I must be cautious and to abruptly turn around onto a new path. Though this is all really, to me anyway, a psychological way of deciphering my thoughts and getting me to use these cards as prompts, in my mind I know it’s gotten to that point in my life where something must happen, now.

You see, we might believe that there is a destiny out there for us. We might set ourselves up to getting certain grades to getting onto the supposedly right path, or the path we want, or the path others want us to be on. Well, what happens when something interrupts the path? What happens when we are forced to go a different way to the way we thought was destiny?

I stopped believing in life having plans for us, and my way of life in living with no plans in mind came about from all the times I was disappointed, and all the times my pathway diverted completely. Every time my plans didn’t go to plan.

I was going to be a graphic designer, and use my mild skills in drawing to create characters for the gaming world. I was going to go to a good college with an amazing arts department, study graphic art. I changed my mind, in hindsight based on a boy, and ended up dropping graphic art from stress in the first few weeks of it. I found my passion in English, which I naturally always seemed to do decent at, and wanted to go into creative writing. My obstacles in education meant that I was rejected from my dream course, and English with Serbian became an accidental option. I got in, with the idea of working in the education system, to become a teacher after a PGCE year and combat the struggles I had with teaching in my own education. Then it got to the second year and my mental health collapsed from an unexpected situation, and I lost passion for everything, and my plans. I didn’t want to do it anymore, and I didn’t know what I wanted to do either. I focussed on the time, and I focussed on finding myself and being better. When that eventually happened, I went onto my year abroad, and stopped blogging, something I also thought I’d go into. Life changed again, and someone I thought I was going to spend my life with became an acquaintance, and I began living more so by the no plan rule. Subconsciously, making plans the entire time. With the constant desperation of “you should find someone and get married” being shoved down my throat every five seconds and “you don’t know what you want to do with yourself? Why are you living like this?” though I was content, I’d made plans still, too close to the time that hadn’t gone the way I’d liked. Which has lead to this podcast.

I subconsciously decided, I was better. I was better mentally and I planned a life of fun, friends and an easy final year of university where I would be going out most nights, discovering new places and studying hard. And though it’s taken me far too long to admit, the denial has ceased. I expected I would never reach this part of my life again. I told my own future, despite telling myself it would be ok to do so because I wasn’t thinking as far ahead as when or whether I’d get married and to who, or what job I’d have, it turns out this planning comes into other baskets as well.

I don’t plan, to avoid disappointment, because when it happens I have something of a breakdown. Sounds bizarre, but that’s really why I don’t plan. I don’t allow myself to dream, to think ahead, to imagine the things I could do with my life. This idea got worse, the worse my mental health was getting this past couple months. It made me angry, and frustrated, the more I regretted my life, the more I thought what if, the more I regretted what I could have done or said better. What’s worse is I didn’t expect to get this low again, which has made me feel like I failed.

A great inspirational guy called Robert, told me this was something called approaching anxiety. I am anxious of what is or hasn’t happened yet. To the point where the worse it gets the more I restrict myself in how I can think, all because I want to save myself the emotion.

What I am yet to understand, is that just because planning upsets me, expectations upset me because I often face disappointment, that I shouldn’t restrict myself to dream or punish myself for doing so.

But it’s in times like this, at my lowest, that I realise it’s time to do something about it and pull myself back up, instead of handing myself the cord.

So I can’t tell the future, so I can’t predict my fortune with a bunch of cards. I can’t make plans because usually it doesn’t work out that way. Things go wrong, mistakes get made, and sometimes it seems and feels like all that ever happens are a bunch of plans that get thrown out the window. Just because destiny may or may not exist, doesn’t mean we should restrict ourselves in saying we have control over the path we take.

This is me, taking control. So I was thrown curve balls, all the way, and I have entered so many new paths I feel entirely lost, scared and unsure about what my future and fortune holds. I don’t want to make plans, or at least I don’t like making them for now. Maybe that will change one day, maybe I can overcome that to not be so scared of when those curve balls happen.

But today, I plan on being here. And today I plan on being here until it naturally comes to me. I do not plan to give up. Though I don’t know where I will end up, I won’t let the story end up here. Not this time. This time I was ready to recognise what was going on, despite the denial because it was going against my plans. I’ve been given this curve ball. But I won’t let it tell me what my destiny is, based on the past.

This isn’t how I planned my blog would be, after all this time. This isn’t how I thought I’d be feeling. But to feel like a failure for it is wrong. Failure, is not talking about it, and not trying to turn something horrific and traumatic, into something strong, positive, and beautiful.

Stay Smiling,

Whim xoxo

In Private – 447 Words Today

You know things have gone wrong when the only moments you can truly cry, are alone, on the 5am bus back home. These are the only moments I can truly look into myself and realise I’m entirely deprived of privacy, and I can look into how I really feel. I replay all the moments I ever cried, as much as I’m crying now. All those times I ever had to say goodbye. All the times I have ever been hurt. And then just as those thoughts get deeper and I can finally sink into my inner pain to resolve what the hell is going on I’m interrupted by a group of four drunk girls, smelling of bakery food, gossiping. And then my privacy ends. I don’t know when I’ll get it again. Usually in the moments I stay up til 2am when my room-mates are officially asleep and unable to hear my sniffles or weeps. If not then, then in the shower while I Feel Fine by The Beatles blares and my tears can mingle with the sulphur drizzled water. My most prized possessions are my health and happiness. And apart from those, when they are on the low side, my prized possessions are my smoke and mirrors. Without them, people would be able to see deep into the core of my unhappiness. People might worry.

The stupid part is that I know they are already worried, it’s just I know if they knew the extent of my feelings that they would be even more worried. To be in a situation where you need a constant emotional escape, and to have no where to do that apart from in the extremely lucky moments of the night is a shame. It’s a shame towards my sleeping pattern, granted. It’s a shame further towards my well being because I’m only getting worse. Although, when I do talk about my problems to others, I all of a sudden grow numb. It’s only really while I’m alone that I find myself struggling to hold back the tears.

Annoyingly, there are even strangely times I wish I could express my emotions in front of others. It used to be such an easy task. But my body has just gotten so used to yearning for privacy when I need to cry and express those emotions in such a way, that it has become nature to only expose my raw emotions when I have the world around my and my head to myself. I’m finding being alone a beautiful sanctuary regardless of it’s negatives currently, these moments are just so hard to grasp in a time when I need them the most.

Whim xoxo

 

Daydreamer Challenge Number 2!

So this second challenge is to find a picture or word to represent and describe me. I couldn’t decide which one to do, so I’ve kinda done both. If you don’t know what the daydreamer challenge is, come see Caitlin the Teen Daydreamer to find out – here is the original Challenge 2 post on her blog!

Not only could I not decide which one to do, but I couldn’t actually think of anything. I discovered that I don’t actually know who or what I am. I found it super hard to think of anything myself for myself. So, I decided the best approach would be to first ask my 5-year-old sister. I asked her to describe me as a thing, but she said she could only do it in words and more than one word. Here is what she came up with:

  • funny
  • intelligent
  • beautiful
  • graceful
  • happy
  • polite
  • (i think maybe) friendly
  • delightful
  • cuddly
  • big

By big, she means tall (however, I’m only 5’4, so I did question if she meant wide but she persists she meant tall.) I wouldn’t say any of those things about myself, because there are always reasons to counter argue them all. But if I do actually give all of those words off as an impression, that makes me rather pleased! Yay!

I put delightful in bold because she said that this was the best word to describe me. I’m not quite sure for why she said that, she couldn’t answer, but she said delightful was the perfect word for me.

I then went on to look for photos on pinterest of the word delightful. Since my whole feed came up with food, I wasn’t sure which one to pick.

I then decided I was back to square one. I then asked my boyfriend, what object would he describe me as? He told me that I’d have to be a woolly jumper. And so here is the photo I picked:

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Yep. This is the woolly jumper photo I thought best represented me. Why you ask? Well, I’ll basically repeat a few of my boyfriend’s points, adding an extra couple. He said I was cuddly, as did my sister, and so a lamb in a big jumper is cuddly. He also said I’m a bit embarrassing to be around sometimes. Which is true, because I’m telling you now I would actually wear that jumper, when most people probably wouldn’t, I’m actually a little jealous of the lamb. Sometimes you can get some seriously embarrassing jumpers, just like sometimes I can do some seriously embarrassing things. We won’t go into those right now. And I actually own a hell of a lot of embarrassing, cuddly, big, warm jumpers. Apparently, I’m a very warm comfortable person too. I like being a warm cuddly woolly jumper. And you know, I think this picture actually does have me down to a tee.  I may not pass off to be as adorable as that lamb!

But I like being described as a warm cuddly person, it means apparently I can make people feel comfortable and happy. Which is important considering I have so much difficulty doing that for myself sometimes. But it’s nice to know, and although it’s difficult to describe me and I don’t fully believe with the statements, I hope those who know me agree with what my sister and boyfriend thought! Because that would definitely lessen my anxieties in being a terrible human being!

And of course, personally the one word I could think of was Whim. I’m constantly on a whim with everything. I do think before I do things, and say things, but not all the time. And sometimes the best things in my life come out from randomly doing things on a whim, including the worst things. A hell of a lot of my life is on a whim, and although it isn’t always a good thing, there are times when it is, so that isn’t too bad! I think my about page talks about all that a bit more.

So, there you have it. Daydreamer challenge 2! I tried my best, but I just didn’t know how to describe me. But the way the people I love describe me is what matters to me most, than what I think of me (because I’m really negative about myself anyway! As I said, the anxiety that I’m a terrible human being!). That’s how I know that being on a whim a lot of the time isn’t so bad after all, if my whim is usually being cuddly and warm like a woolly jumper, which hopefully overshadows the negative sides of me.

Remember to go see Caitlin and join in on this wonderful challenge!

wpid-the-daydreamer-challenge3

Funnily enough, I really like crochet and knitting.

Whim xoxo

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